Behavioural Problems in 3 Year Olds – What you Need to Know

Behavioural problems in 3 year olds – it’s a thing. Much more so than the ‘terrible twos’. Take a mum I worked with last year. She was finding her 3 year old’s need for control was insatiable. Whether he was pushing his toddler sister, running off in the street, throwing things in the kitchen, refusing to brush his teeth or demanding a specific snack – if he didn’t get what he wanted, there’d be a meltdown.

Parenting dilemma

This mum felt embarrassed, ashamed even, that her little boy was calling the shots in the family. But at the same time, she didn’t know how to take back control. Saying ‘no’ didn’t feel like an option because of the scale of his meltdowns: forty five minutes of loud screaming isn’t fun. When in public she could feel the judgy eyes on her. At home she was worried that the neighbours might get the wrong idea.

So, she was walking on eggshells, afraid to say ‘no’ or hold a boundary.

What’s going on for 3 year olds?

It definitely wasn’t the first time I’d come across the ‘3 year old tyrant’! And it won’t be the last.

3 year olds are a unique combination of boldness and insecurity. They love feeling more independent than previously and doing their own thing – probably the opposite of what mummy just said.

At the same time they sense that these are the last days of being a very young child. They’re somehow aware that all the undivided closeness and attention they got as a baby, and as a toddler, is going to come to an end. And they aren’t quite ready for that. It feels scary.

So what do 3 year olds do about this?

1. 1. Well, firstly they get very ‘clingy’, sensitive and scared of things they were fine with before. They ask to play baby. They do what they can to keep mummy and daddy close. I remember my son’s distress on his fourth birthday. He looked tearfully down at his body, as if it had betrayed him by turning 4, whimpering ‘I don’t want to be 4. Am I still 3?’
   2. Secondly, 3 year olds keep their parents close by being very contrary. That sounds contradictory, but bear with me. All that defiance, those demands, even the aggression – they are your 3 year old’s bid to keep your love and attention for themselves and prevent it going elsewhere. It’s painful for them to see how nice you are with their smaller, sweeter, younger sibling. They don’t understand why you would do boring things like cooking when they have an urgent situation on their hands. Seeing your boisterous 3 year old as ‘strong-willed’ obscures the picture, because it’s actually insecurity that’s driving the behaviour. They’re scared of losing you.

   So how do we deal with this?

   Before we look at how to help your child do better, it’s important to say that you’ve done nothing wrong. Not at all. You’ve surrounded your child in love and care. You’ve given them the best of everything within your reach. In fact you have done everything you could to make your 3 year old feel loved and happy. And you’re not alone: this Swedish study confirms that poor behaviour is the top concern for parents of 3 year olds.

   And when your child’s behaviour became more challenging, there was no one there to explain to you the best approach. No one. People did try to help. Family, friends and good ol’ google suggested saying things like:

   • • • That isn’t acceptable.
       • It makes Mummy sad when you do that.
       • Don’t overreact. It’s just a small thing.
       • Try to think how she feels.
       • We don’t hit. That’s the rule.
       • Use your words.
       • Go and sit on the step and think about what you’ve done.

   But here’s the thing:

   People didn’t know that these phrases don’t help 3 year olds overcome their insecurity and behave better.

   And you didn’t know that these kinds of phrases actually make 3 year olds feel even more insecure and lonely than they were feeling before.

   You didn’t know that correcting your child’s behaviour in this way actually fuels the behaviour you don’t want – even when you’re using a calm voice.

   You didn’t know.

   And you also didn’t know what will work to make your 3 year old feel deeply safe. So safe and connected that they willingly hold your hand, stop hitting and throwing and actually sit down and wait calmly for their snack.

   But right now these strategies, the ones that do work, are within your reach. You can learn them. And your 3 year old will be grateful you did.

   They are all laid out clearly in the Solve the Struggle Guide which you can download for free from the box beneath this post. I made it for you, because I want you and your child to be happy. It’s my gift to you.

   Get it here. ⬇️⬇️⬇️