I believe it’s never been more important than it is now to focus on how we can support children with their confidence.
Confidence is that magical thing which opens doors – it makes life more fun. It makes life easier.
But how do we support children to develop it?
Watch the video or scroll down to read more…
First of all, I’d like to clear away a misconception.
We can’t praise our children to confidence.
There’s nothing that we can specifically say to children that will boost their confidence.
In fact, praising children too much can make them nervous, because they can start needing it. We can inadvertently programme them to be on the lookout for approval.
And this can make them nervous.
Instead of praise, I invite you to appreciate your children – their actions and their qualities.
Children need to claim confidence for themselves. It’s an inside job and they claim confidence through becoming competent at something.
To give a personal example, I’m really confident driving my car because I’m very competent at it. I’ve been at it a long time. I know how to do it and I feel confident.
But I wouldn’t feel confident piloting a plane because I’ve no idea how to do that. I’m not competent, so I’m not confident.
Children’s confidence is similar. It comes from competence in an area and this can help inform our approach to supporting them.
Here are four ways you can support your children with their confidence: the Four Confidence Springboards.
Springboard #1 – Doing Things
The first springboard is very simple.
When children get to do things, they get an opportunity to become competent in and confident at something.
For us as parents, this means holding back and inviting our children to do things that we might normally think of doing for them.
What might this look like?
If you have a toddler, it might mean putting a small jug next to your child’s glass at the table so that they can pour water for themselves.
If they’re older, it might be inviting them to walk down the road to post a letter.
When your child gets to do these things, they get that feeling of competence.
Springboard #2 – Experiencing Success
When children achieve what they set out to do, that builds confidence. They get to experience themselves as competent.
One way of supporting them with this is to chunk the task down into smaller pieces so that your children are more likely to experience success. This is particularly useful if they are reluctant to try something out.
If your child is little and pouring water is a new thing for them, you can provide them with very small amounts.
That way they’re more likely to be able to get it into the cup without spillage, thereby increasing the chance of experiencing success.
“Wow! I did that for myself. I’ve done it. I’ve poured my own water.”
Experiencing success is a great thing for a child – and it builds confidence.
Springboard #3 – Experiencing Frustration
Life can’t always be about success, as we know.
In order to build competence in life, we need to work through some frustrations.
We can’t always navigate a straight and narrow route to success. We have to overcome things.
Children need to learn to go through frustrations and come out the other side. And our role in this as parents is to allow space for frustration – not to be Mr or Mrs Fix it – not rushing in to help all the time.
Not hovering – instead allowing children the space to work things out for themselves.
One example, say when you’re doing a craft project, is to see it as an opportunity to explore.
Instead of making a model of a cat, for example, you just get out the modelling materials and say, “Let’s explore. Let’s see what happens?“
Your child can set their own goals and experience their own mini frustrations.
These frustrations are generally more easily overcome than the frustrations that come from having a very specific outcome in mind.
Springboard #4 – Follow Their Passion
The fourth springboard is really important because passion is a great motivator for all of us, not just for children. Once you know what your child’s passion is, you can support them in it.
Do this by observing where your child outstrips everyone in the family.
- Perhaps it’s in cooking,
- building,
- singing,
- dancing,
- speaking,
- or mechanical things.
If you don’t yet know what your child’s passion is – maybe you haven’t thought of it like that – you can start becoming aware of it.
Notice what they talk about, what they gravitate towards, and provide them with more opportunities in a field that you think might be their passion. This will be supportive to your child.
But of course, the most fundamental way to build confidence in your child is by having a great relationship with them. When your child feels loved – when they feel seen, when they feel heard – this builds confidence.
