Are you baffled by just how unreasonable your children can be – whether it’s refusing to get off a screen or trying to stop you leaving the house? And have you considered whether Positive Parenting might be your ticket to an easier life?
A False Premise
Before I explain how Positive Parenting makes everything easier, I’m going to tackle some myths about children and their behaviour. Because in my experience most of the techniques we’re taught as parents are based on 3 false assumptions:
- The assumption that the behaviour we want to see is available to our children.
- The assumption that the reason they ‘misbehave’ is because they’re being wilful, rude or lazy.
- The assumption that the best way to get them to do what we need them to do is to reason with them or use bribes and deterrents.
Can’t not won’t
But what if your child is not doing what you say not because they don’t want to, but because they can’t? Dr Ross Greene, psychologist and thought leader, tells us: ‘Children do well when they can.’
So, if a child is not doing well, you need to assume that they can’t do well. Because something is in the way – a big emotion, or they lack the skills.
Think about what happens when you give your child a simple instruction, like ‘It’s time to do your homework’ and they ignore you or say ‘go away’.
Are they being lazy, rude or obstinate?
Or is it that your child is getting stressed, thinking, ‘I don’t know where to find it. Mum’ll be cross. And I didn’t understand what my teacher was saying in the lesson anyway. So I’ll get stuck. And my pencil is broken. And, oh no, I’ve lost my new sharpener…’ ?
Negative Effects of Conventional Parenting
Once you realise your child is facing layers of difficult feelings and unsolved problems, and this is what is standing in the way of the behaviour you want, it no longer makes sense to use standard parenting techniques on your child.
Why? Because these methods will make your child feel worse, adding to the problems they already have:
- Telling off and shouting – makes children feel wrong, unseen, unloved.
- Punishments and threats – makes children feel angry and powerless.
- Time-outs and being sent to their room – causes feelings of abandonment.
- Labelling emotions and meltdowns as an overreaction – makes children feel lonely and misunderstood.
- Rewards and sticker charts – may work for a while for some children, but for complex children these often bring up fear of failure.
In short, familiar parenting techniques all too often work counterproductively, creating emotional instability and reinforcing the very behaviours we don’t like.
This is particularly the case with sensitive and complex children.
The Difference Positive Parenting makes
The good news is that there is a way forward.
When parents start to use a critical mass of warm, positive methods, being firm rather than punitive (and the conventional methods listed above are only used very occasionally) children’s behaviour does change radically for the better.
And so that you can get started straightaway, here are 4 doable steps you can try, so you can see for yourself the difference that Positive Parenting makes.
- Break a task down into its smaller parts, so that it becomes manageable, e.g. instead of saying ‘do your homework’, say ‘let’s go and get your school bag.’ This makes your child feel ‘this is something I can do.’
- Connect with your child before you want them to do something, e.g. sit down next to them and chat to them about what they’re doing ‘oh you’re building a village…’ and only then invite them to do the thing – preferably in an interesting or companionable way. This makes your child feel you’re with them – and that is extremely motivating for them.
- Address bad behaviour and negativity using lightness and empathy e.g. when your child says ‘I hate you’ you respond with ‘are you trying to tell me you don’t like what I just said?’ This helps your child feel understood and brings connection and openness. At this point, coach your child towards better communication.
- Use structures/charts in your home environment to keep them on track, so it’s not always you giving them instructions. This is sometimes called scaffolding and it’s about things like setting up a chart where your child has all their morning tasks clearly listed. This empowers your child and helps them feel capable.
You see how positive parenting techniques improve your child’s mood and make it more likely that they can overcome that feeling of ‘I can’t’?
So, choose one of these and try it. And observe the difference in your child.
To find out more about the impact of positive parenting and what goes on in a child’s mind when we lapse into conventional responses click here.
And for comprehensive practical guidance on how to take charge of your child’s behaviour and be the calm parent you always thought you’d be, download my Solve the Struggle guide below.
